Fun With Feces

Man charged over bizarre conduct

BY MELANIE BENNETT

Staff Writer

An Atlanta man was arrested Thursday afternoon after he smeared feces on himself and walked around a department store in Columbus, police said.

Antoine Williams, 26, of 438 Vine St. NW, was charged with disorderly conduct after the incident at Macy's in Peachtree Mall, said Columbus Police Lt. Richard Gaines.

Okay, so some guy decides to do something like this, and he isn't crazy. So why did he do it? Perhaps we'll see a follow up story in which it all turns out to be a prank of some kind. Probably not, as we never get a chance to see why this happens.

All the cool stuff that you read about and ask "Why in the hell would anyone do that?" end up disappearing into some bottomless void. I don't know why, but I'm going to speculate. I figure that for every story like this there's a reporter that had to report it originally. Some poor guy had to call up the police department and ask for the details, snoop around the store and bug the employees for eyewitness accounts, etc. etc. Then he had to type up the whole mess and have it put out for publication. Check spelling and grammar, have editor check same, have ten other people check it.... All the while everyone who reads the damned thing ends up scratching their heads and asking that poor reporter guy for the same details they're currently reading. This must annoy said reporter to no end.

So anyways, assuming he even does a follow up on the story, he's probably not willing to have those same people bug him about it all day the next time, so he just reports back that it's not newsworthy anymore, the interesting thing was that it happened at all, not why.

Another theory I'm working on is that the whole process slows down the workplace because everyone's talking about the story and there's no current hurry on news because this kind of thing usually happens (or gets into the paper) on slow news days. You wouldn't have the whole office talking about some guy covered in poo if the WTC was falling down.

So we never get to hear what the guy's whole story was.

But rejoice, dear friends, because sometimes there's a silver lining to the shitcloud (to quote TrailerPark Boys' Mr Lehey). In this particular article, the give the guy's full address in the second paragraph.

So you can send him a congratulatory bouquet of flowers or something. Maybe a basket of bran muffins, if you're the type to make the best of a shitty situation. He may even write you back, or show up at your house bearing a gift of his own.

What a great way to meet interesting people!